• October 29, 2020

I Am Done Loving You More Than I Love Myself

You know very well how much I love you. You know I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you. I was never someone who believed in love at first sight, until I laid my eyes on you. And when that happened, everything inside of me changed. I changed.

From that moment, you became the centre of my universe. Suddenly, everything in my life revolved around you. I only had eyes for you and your happiness was the only thing that mattered. You became the most important person in my life. I am ashamed to say it, but you became more important than my family, my friends, my job… Most of all, you became more important than me. And that was my biggest mistake.

But, I am not here to talk to you about the love I felt and I am still feeling for you. You know that very well. Even when we were at our worst, when we argued and when we were leaving each other, I am positive you never doubted my love. Even in moments of anger, when you tried to accuse me that I didn’t love you enough, deep down you knew that wasn’t true. You were always aware that my love was one of the rare constants in your life.

But even that didn’t make you appreciate it. Even that didn’t make you appreciate me and everything I did for us to work out. I won’t talk to you about that either. You may try to fight it, but you know how much harm you did to me. You know how toxic you were for me and you know you destroyed everything we had.

 

What you didn’t manage to destroy was my love for you. And I wish you had.

Because I can’t live with it anymore. I can’t love you this much anymore because it is slowly ruining me and everything I am.

I can’t love you more than I love myself because this love has become destructive for my existence. And that is why I am done.

I finally accept that you refuse to be healed and fixed. I finally accept that there is nothing left for me to do to make you a better man. You know I’ve tried everything, but you just didn’t want to take my hand. That is why I am done trying to fix you. Because you never put the slightest effort into helping me. And because of that, I accomplished nothing. Nothing, besides being pulled into your darkness together with you. You stayed the same toxic man you always were and all of my efforts to change that were in vain.

 

I am done giving my entire self to you. I am done giving you everything I have and getting nothing in return. Because now I know that none of it has. You’ll never let me in completely and I’ll never enter the dark chambers of your soul, no matter how hard I try.

I am done dealing with your problems. I am done allowing myself to be completely consumed by your issues. I am done allowing you not to think about your life and about the consequences of your actions.

I am done always being there for you. Because you were never there for me. During all these years we spent together, I never had your full support and I always had to go through life alone. Despite that, you acted like I was obligated to have your back. You knew that no matter what you did, no matter how badly you screwed things up, I would be ready to fight the world for you. You always knew that I would be there to catch you when you fall.

I am done putting you first. It is one thing to put someone you love at the top of your priority list, but it is something completely different putting someone before yourself. I am done making you my priority. I know it’s time for me to finally become my own priority. It’s time for me to finally see my true worth and to stop allowing you to diminish it.  It’s about time for me to start loving and appreciating myself. Because if I don’t do it, no one else will.

I am done settling for less. Because this is less. Your love is not enough for me and will never be enough. I finally understand that I deserve a lot more and I am ready for more.

I know you were probably convinced that this day would never come, but this is me telling you I am done. I am done lighting myself on fire to keep you warm and I am done loving you more than I love

 

myself.

 

 

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